JURASSIC WORLD DOMINION: Dinominishing Returns

Directed by Colin Trevorrow
STARRING: Chris Pratt (Owen Grady), Bryce Dallas Howard (Clare Dearing), Isabella Sermon (Maisie Lockwood), Sam Neill (Alan Grant), Laura Dern (Ellie Sattler), Jeff Goldblum (Ian Malcolm)
2022

Here’s a series that’s always been slurping its gruel
From the puddles of film’s perfect storm,
But five movies removed, can these fossils still fuel
Any moment that’s moving or warm?

For a movie that’s sold as a franchise’s crown,
Pulling thirty years’ saurian weight,
It’s worth noting how much this film centers around
Names and problems of more recent date.

Rise of Skywalker used the same throwback-return
As accelerant for a stalled story,
But there’s no reason here for Neill, Goldblum, and Dern
Than the obvious obligatory.

The Big Trio slides in like some frog DNA,
Filling in where the new actors lack.
But in narrative terms, they’re on Site B, and they,
Though authentic, are just a side track.

Their importance was hyped (all the more to entice),
But when reptile rumbles begin,
Our emotions are herded toward Kid, Pratt, or Bryce,
Whom we barely know, six hours in.

From “hold on to your butts” to “I spared no expense,”
It’s a franchise that knows a big line,
But whenever the mood ratchets up to intense,
Colin’s dialogue dies on the vine.

It’s the same weak tea (rex) as each Park they’ve released:
Lower stakes, deja vu, less to say.
Seems you don’t need a comet to wipe out some beasts;
They can also just wither away.

The last film gave the lizards their liberty—yay!
Now stomp drive-ins! Taunt lions! Crash weddings!
But aside from one pulse-pounding Malta melee,
To a jungle preserve we’re still heading.

For a series dug straight from the brain of one man,
How slapdashly this plot’s been unreeled:
Fallen Kingdom‘s big twist winds up retconned and canned
And a locust threat swarms from left field.

Reading this far, perhaps by a question you’re vexed:
If my feelings have maxed out at mixed,
Just what the T. hecks did I frankly expect
Seeing Dinosaur Island Part 6?

Yes, I know, but it’s DINOSAURS! Stale as they get,
Just as long as they’re stalking the screen,
I’ll be there, cheering on any chumps they beset
‘Til it stops being PG-13.

Thunder lizards are wondrous, alive in the dark,
And Trevorrow frames beautiful shots,
His montages allowing Jurassics to park
In a couple breathtaking new spots.

So let’s mothball the amber, let sleeping bones lie,
Find new realms for these reptiles immense,
And may Hollywood’s dinoissance finally fly
Past this powered-down franchise’s fence.

Images © Universal Pictures